Quote:
Originally Posted by WishIWereAStone
Crypts, I understand. I welcome death, I'm not chasing it but I wouldn't run from it either. I saw a movie this weekend and a character died from a heartattack, I thought " Lucky SOB" I am also a Christian so I know where I am bound after death and I would so much rather be there than here. I understand the exhaustion, the never ending trudge through a seemingly endless mire of hopelessness with no site of rosey future. I hope you find a sunny spot in your day today and hold on to it tightly, sometimes it's the little things that give one more day meaning.
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Thank you.
Thank you for understanding me. I too am Christian. I really though have issue resolving if since I am craving death as I am if I would be placed just outside heaven (as I was in a former experience) able to see n hear those in heaven, but not interact - or actually enter heaven - once I die, if I were to die welcoming death in this way. Problem is though, at this point - either of those fates are better than this. You did make me chuckle a bit though with your comment about you thinking "Lucky SOB" - only bc I can relate.
See - for me, the reason I feel this way .. I went thru 28 years of abuse (ages 12-40). But ... During that time was also mom's n grandpa's death (age 12), attempted molestation (age 14), sexual harassment to the point of fear for physical safety (age 16), first rape (age 16), forced to give up child through no fault of my own (age 18), second rape (age 18), victim to armed robbery (age 18), 3rd rape (age 19) .. Those things developed depression, anxiety, PTSD, and Borderline Personality Disorder in me. Now, I bounced around from one abusive relationship to the next so it was not like I just decided to remain planted with one person. Depression was a constant, there was never a time without it. Meds only ever made things worse, and counseling was a joke.
This is how my psychological cycle went with me when I was for me when I was being abused:
Depression
Abuse
Anxiety
PTSD
Borderline Personality Symptoms join in just for good measure
Psychosis set in
More abuse to intensify it all
Just as you think its going away ... Big slap of depression
More abuse
28yrs of that
Got a 3 year reprieve. Thought it was done n I could finally enjoy life.
Now its back. I can't do it.
How long this time? Is psychosis coming back? Will it go away just to come back again? Am I just going to live a life of misery?
No - I am too tired. I don't care anymore. I don't care if my problems miraculously fix bc they may also miraculously screw up again. I'm exhausted. I won't kill myself not bc I am afraid of hell. I don't believe suicide is a one way ticket to hell. I won't do it bc I believe God decides if you actually die or not. I have seen too many cases the person should not have survived and did. The last thing I want us to survive n have bodily misery to go along with my emotional misery the rest of my life.
So yes - let death come for me, but I will not come for it.
I will welcome it with open arms though.