This is going to sound really depressing (part of me feels sad it's a reality and the other party me feels at peace, so peaceful sadness? Idk), but I feel like therapy triggered a shift in my mindset today. I'm angry at my therapist. I disagree with her on a lot of things. We are very different. Rather than fighting her today or holding on to hope for something, I sought out situations and things I'd know she trigger me. For example, in the past, I'd leave my session early hoping she'd stop me from leaving (which sometimes she has done and sometimes she hasn't). In the times she didn't stop me or want to make sure I'd be okay, I'd get SO hurt and angry and disregulated. Today I knew she wouldn't hold me back and I purposefully left early because I wanted to prove to myself that didn't care. I got excited even... I was happy in a way because I knew it would trigger negative feelings and everything in me wants to detach from her right now. It's like a sick game - I look for ways to convince myself she doesn't care. It may just be a way of coping - feeling happy when I get triggered by her and hoping for a reaction that will convince me that I don't need her. Perhaps I've wanted her to care about me for so long that I'm finally giving up and using a really triggering experience to my own benefit. It's like I'm just rechanneling all my emotions into something that feels more within my control, which is detachment. Idk if this makes sense or not and I'm not sure what I'm hoping for by writing this out on here... thanks to whoever read and listened. I think I just wanted to get it out.