C,

It took me 2.5 years to get to a point where I really trusted S enough for the "hidden inner me" to come out in our sessions. It happened gradually over time. And, I've been pushing to try to make it happen so fast with you. See, with S, when I first started seeing him, I expressed no real emotion. I had my work face on. He used to say I was bottled up tightly and his goal was to get me to a point where I could let go. 6 months in, when my grandmother went into home hospice, I kind of naturally wound up trusting and leaning on him more -- I was too emotionally wrung out to hold myself together in those hour-long sessions.

About a year in, he began sitting on an adjacent sofa rather than his recliner - the adjacent sofa brought him physically closer to me. At this point, I felt safe enough to get "teary," but not really cry in front of him. A few months later, I got to a point where I could kick my shoes off -- all part of his having eventually given me permission/even encouraged me to allow myself to "be small" with him. A month or so later, I was comfortable enough to bring a blanket in and curl up on his couch during our sessions. And, then I began being able to cry sometimes. Around 1.5 years in, he began sitting on the same sofa as me. It was terrifying at first; I still remember the first time we tried it.

A few months later, I dared a hug at the end of our session. And, a couple months after the 2-year mark, during a session where I was basically just losing my mind and hyperventilating over something, he sat next to me on the floor, put his arms around me, and said "is this the thing you were so afraid to ask for? Is this what you ultimately wanted all this time?" And...yeah...it was. But I was too afraid to ever think of it. That just isn't something anyone has ever done for me before. And S always seemed so so much better than me. It disgusted me that I even wanted physical comfort from someone so much better than me - and I really thought it would disgust him too.

It took me 2.5 years to develop what I had with him - and to develop the trust and attachment I had with him. It was a lot of work, a lot of time. And then, it was gone. Instantaneously gone the moment he told me about the possibility of the job.

I feel lost without him and that space and that trust. And so maybe I have rushed and pushed really hard to try and make a similar connection and space with you too quickly - without actually letting any of the development I described with S happen with you over time. The truth is, I don't WANT to have to slow down, give it more time. I want what I had back again. I worked so long and so hard to get there - the idea of doing that again is exhausting and frustrating and makes me want to give up. So, I have done literally some of the exact same things I did with S (taking off my shoes, holding onto a pillow, finding a small stuffed animal to turn into a transitional object, saving all of your emails and reading the comforting bits repeatedly between sessions) with you - trying to get that space back. Trying to somehow get all of it back.

I actually thought I had, really... that it was working... until we came face to face with actually doing trauma work, and then I didn't understand what happened inside of me. The truth is, I built the "house" of my relationship with you out of sticks or straw (like the first 2 pigs in the 3 little pigs). It looked like it worked...until the wind blew and revealed its lack of stability, foundation, etc. I tried to ramshackle together the same relationship I had with S with you -- and from the outside, it looked similar, but it felt...hollow. Flimsy. And I knew this, but I ignored it, because I just freaking wanted to have it all back. And so, as the stick house has tumbled, I've been frustratedly trying to keep it standing and keep it looking like what I had before with S. But I can't.

I guess I'm hoping that you realized this already a while back even if I'm just realizing it now. I'm scared of this email hurting you. I'm scared you'll feel lied to or led on. To be clear: I'm not saying there is no relationship or no attachment -- the foundation is already being built, right? ... I guess I'm just coming face to face with the fact that I cannot get what I had with S back -- not even with you, because you're not S. And I knew that intellectually, but a part of me was ignoring it and trying to make it happen anyways. I hate this realization. I hate the idea of slowing down. I hate coming face-to-face with the fact that my grief is still very much here and happening. I'm worn out.

I should also probably throw in here that our conversation yesterday where you called me out on seeking reassurance in email...as well as my "drug effect descriptions" of what getting reassurance feels like will all lead you to stop providing it in order to break the comfort-seeking habit/pattern. Or...in order to force me to have to ask for it only in person. Is that your plan?

I know I've dumped a lot here. I wasn't planning to email you at all -- my gut response after yesterday was to wall off you and everything pertaining to you and therapy in general. I wanted to not care about it.
I'm trying to do the opposite instead.