I’ve always known that I was living with some serious challenges within my mind, and no matter how hard I’d try to identify the root causes of these problems I’d always end up where I left off.
These feelings of emptiness I thought was because I’ve always been an over ambition person and I still hadn’t reached a level of success that I’d be content with. But with no change in my perspective of life as time passed and goals got ticked off I decided to travel the world and learn about spirituality. I guess I was so desperately trying to find myself within the infinite possibilities this life has to offer, but over the years feeling so overwhelmed by life, yet empty and numb I’ve slowly dug myself a massive hole resorting to the drugs and alcohol that I subconsciously felt was filling this empty void.

Things got so tough that I had a psychotic break down, which was actually a blessing in disguise because it has led me towards the path in understanding bpd and how it has been affecting my life until today. All these years I ignored my feelings of sadness and wanting to die. I hardly shed a tear because I believed I hadn’t the right to cry if my mental state was ‘from what I thought’ my own bad habits while my life was physically and materialistically blessed.

My feelings are confused because becoming aware of bpd and finally being able to identify myself with something put a massive smile on my face. I don’t like the idea of victimising myself, but It has also been amazing to genuinely cry without feelings of guilt. But as I’ve defensively detached myself from reality through feeling too overwhelmed by it I’ve either numbed out the pressure of this self realisation or I’ve decided to ignore it all together. I know when reality hits because my anxiety don’t lie, although being in such a vulnerable state with such a big list of issues on top it’s difficult to know where I should be taking my next steps forward because I always appear to be progressing until my old habits get the better of me and I’m back where I left off.
I feel that identifying myself with bpd has definitely made me more at ease, but it’s not helping me to find that spark of light in hope of igniting that boost of motivation to climb back out of this hole I’m currently stuck in.
I used to value my decisiveness and integrity to stick by my word, but now I’m consistently breaking promises with myself that if I don’t speak up or seek help I may as well call my mum and ask her to throw a blanket and pillow down the hole I’m in.
I know things take time and I’ll stop feeling sorry for myself, but it’s been long enough and was wondering what you guys maybe able to suggest.

Also, if you’re able to suggest any advice on how to find the right therapist and how to spot red flags if there’s any to prevent myself from investing my time and money on somebody who wasn’t as capable of effectively improving my mental health as the next person.

Cheers guys.