So about six or seven weeks ago my dog died on my sisters 18th birthday. Before that, I was happy, content with where I was in life. But when he died, I started thinking. I'm 27, I work in a warehouse that I don't enjoy, with people I don't like. I get paid $13/hr which is more than most people here, but Southern California is expensive and I'm also about $4,000 in debt.

So the week after my dog died was one of the worst weeks of my life. I reevaluated everything & felt like a failure. I have no significant other, a job I dislike, no career, no savings, no plan for the future while my friends who are all a couple of years younger than me seem to have it all figured out. My anxiety was killing me. I couldn't sleep, I felt like I was high on adrenaline a lot of the time, and I stopped smoking marijuana because I was looking for a new job, I applied to a million places but only got one interview & no offers.

I eventually made a plan. To get out of my debt then go to a coding bootcamp part time after work and on weekends. I felt a lot better. But I still have bouts of depression. Times where I lose the will to live, questioning the point of even living, wishing that I would not wake up in the morning. Now, I won't actually harm myself. I know this. I couldn't do that to my mother, my sisters, and my other dogs. But it doesn't stop me from feeling this way. My mother knew that my anxiety was really bad and I even cried while she hugged me in the morning before we left for work a few times.

Yesterday she asked why I was crying. I just I hate my job, stress, & anxiety. But today I finally told her what I was really feeling. We both cried a lot, there were a lot of hugs, and her reassuring me that everything was going to be ok. She encouraged me to talk to a therapist but I just can't afford it. It made me feel a lot better telling her these things, like I didn't have to hide it anymore, but I still feel these feelings. I just can't help it sometimes and I don't know what to do.

Sorry for the novel but I just really wanted to vent and get my feelings out there