It was a complete rollercoaster of a session. He made a link between
Which was so unbelievably accurate and showed an amazing understanding of me. He was saying things that were on the edge of my awareness and incredibly empathic and understanding. It felt really powerful and I told him so.
I told him some details about intimate things past and present and I felt more able to be open with him than I have in the past.
I commented on how I used to not be able to talk about sex with him at all. He said "you've come a long way." Then he said "but it's important you remember you don't have to push yourself too far.". I had felt quite comfortable talking to him so it felt weird him saying that. So I said "what do you mean?" And he said "just that it's okay to keep some things private. Even in therapy."
Well, that hurt. I tried to shake it off because I knew he didn't mean it how I heard it. And I said that to him. But he asked how I heard it and I said "it felt really shaming" and I started crying. This must be the third time I've cried in front of him in three years.
I said I was surprised at my response and he just said it's okay (because he didn't want me to fight crying). I finished crying and I said "it's those f***ing trousers" I have a running joke (with lucozader) about T's green corduroy trousers which he wore all through a rupture I had with him earlier this year. I told him we called them the trousers of therapeutic doom. He laughed and promised not to wear them next week. He apologised for hurting me. It was the end of the session. I said I wasn't going to hug him as I have a cold "but I'll just do this instead" and touched him on the arm. We said goodbye and I left.