dear t,

because i am drowning so deeply in this mistake of mine, part of me wanted you to remember a time you messed up and someone died. i know it has happened; you’ve alluded to it. i think you did remember because your mouth went wobbly and so did your voice once or twice, and you took a tissue to your face and when i gathered the courage to look up at you i saw that you'd wiped the kohl from your eyes. your face looked younger without it. no less lovely, though. makeup is such a funny thing.

i don’t know why i wanted that. something about the intimacy of sharing grief? i guess i should have just said what i wanted, i dunno.

but what i really want, even more than that, is for you to rest your hand on my knee so that i can cry, or to sit next to me and put your arms around me so that i don't have to work so hard to hold myself together. but i don't think that's within your repertoire because when i managed to creak out that i had longed so much for touch with my previous t and it was hard because she couldn't tell me why she didn't think that'd be the right thing to do, and i think i maybe even said it was something i felt i wanted from you... i think you said something therapist-y (which is sort of unusual for you), something like, "you're wondering what the boundaries are in this relationship" which i interpreted as you not wanting to say just then that you aren't the sort of therapist who puts her hands on people (which would make a lot of sense for someone who specializes in trauma... not to mention that i can't help but wonder why someone who has no personal history with trauma would chose to specialize in it... so i wonder whether that might be a firm personal boundry, in addition to a Wise Professional Choice.)

i don't know if i can tolerate you saying 'no' to that. but i also want to stop wondering and wishing because that feels a bit awful.

but i'm not even brave enough to say that is what i want, not directly. i guess i should. i dunno. i hate not being straightforward.

i guess i'm babbling now. i'm getting tired. this depression is so exhausting.

i don't know how i am going to tolerate it until tuesday. it is too horrible.

-moi