I know this was really faulty thinking, but here is an example: maybe it’s survivor’s guilt, too. My father died at 44. When I was 44, I had a surgery, and I thought if I died then that would be ok, because that’s when he died. I had the surgery thinking I wanted it to kill me because that’s what happened to my father.

But I am not suicidal. I didn’t and don’t want to die. But, still, I thought and went through with a surgery with that horrible thought on my mind—yet that thought comforted me.

Twisted!