Unfortunately, today’s session felt like a bit of a waste. I ended up spending more time on the funeral than I hoped, and then we segued into a chat about how I feel that because none of it happened in the way I was led to believe, I don’t get to have the emotions.

‘Being three seconds away from a major emotional meltdown at any time is not how I ever imagined living my life.’

‘When you say ‘major emotional meltdown’, you mean being unable to control your emotions?’

‘Yes.’

‘It sounds exhausting, Lost. I mean no disrespect, but I feel tired just listening to you.’

R wondered what would happen if I let my guard down a bit during the day. I said I didn’t know, and I was scared. Letting my guard down during the day would mean that I would have to explain to other people.

We talked a bit about the physical symptoms I am experiencing. I feel they are related to not allowing myself to express the emotions.

We have agreed that next week we will go there. I will need to start with the list I forgot today.