Sorry for the long post.

I was discharged last night from IP treatment after a 6-day hospitalization in a short-term crisis intervention ward. I need to debrief and hoped that you guys would let me tell the story because I just need to talk and don't know where else to go.

For the week leading to hospitalization, I was clearly becoming unglued and delusional. I was able to discern that this was an emergency because people told me I was speaking too quickly, colors were intense and seemed to pulsate, and people appeared to be wavering which I recognized as unnatural. I began hearing things that I knew couldn't be real. My pdoc called the police, but I left my home before they arrived and left my front door ajar so they wouldn't break it down. I went to a neighbor's house because I was so afraid, and she made me stay at her home until she was assured that there was no immediate danger. The next day, I knew I was in crisis, so I packed a bag and drove myself to the closest psych facility which is part of a large medical complex. Driving 45 miles was risky, but I just couldn't burden any of my friends. I parked outside the facility but was accompanied to the intake unit up in the main hospital.

I didn't realize the following until I was discharged, but the admission diagnosis was Bipolar I, manic with psychotic features, emergency involuntary admission; the bipolar I diagnosis had been determined some 45 years earlier, so this was not a surprise. I didn't realize the rest. So anyway, I was held in the intake unit for 4 hours to achieve stabilization following a shot of Geodon which I refused, but a security guard held me while a nurse administered the injection. Finally I was stable and then admitted to the psych acute ward. Funny how the night's details are clear to me following review of the medical record. The people on the unit were SO sick; schizophrenia, schizoaffective, actively suicidal, psychotic. Oh my gosh...so sick that you can't imagine. Conversing with these people was utterly useless.

The 6-day hospitalization was really quite good. The nursing staff was indescribably kind and attentive. I already had a relationship with my pdoc, as I had been seeing him as an outpatient, and I saw him daily. Anyway, my meds were changed on the unit to:
Geodon, 40 mg a.m., 80 mg p.m.
Wellbutrin, 150 mg a.m.
Lamictal 200 a.m., 200 p.m.
Trazodone 150 p.m. for sleep
Whoa...I achieved stability very quickly on this regimen.

Here are my problems: I have a persistent and pronounced tremor and can't hold my legs still. I have loss of balance and a disturbed gait. My vision is blurry. I have a dry mouth that causes my tongue to be stuck to the roof of my mouth and requires drinks of water throughout the night. Overall, I feel overmedicated. Last night, I cut the nighttime meds by half, although my pdoc warned me not to without his approval. The symptoms are no different. My memory is severely impaired, and my ability to concentrate as well. That I can type this post is miraculous since I can't focus on the screen; it took me well over 2 hours of concentration and multiple reviews for errors, holding my PC 3 inches from my face and without my glasses. I type about 100 wpm, so this wasn't a problem. I have deep creases in my forehead that weren't there a week ago.

I live alone and am afraid. I can't confide in anyone because of the stigma.
I just needed to talk to someone, so thanks to Psych Central for this forum, and thanks for listening.