when i get sad i try to be brave and not be sad. i didnt know how come i was here today i mean how come i showed up bein the one up front in my body here. i was thinin well maybe its cuz we messed up somethin and was feelin small n thats how come im here feelin all small. so i got to thinkin bout what i could do to cheer up n feel better cuz even tho i know its ok for me to feel ssad i still wanna try hard not to feel sad so i was thinkin n thinkin bout wwhat i could be doin but that made me feel more small. i was tryin to do stuff but it wasnt workin how i want it to. we got a book called perfect little piglet and its about piglet feelin small in a bad sad way cuz hes small n he couldnt see them tea cups on poohs top shelf n when he go to jump n get them he falls n knocks down a chair or stool. piglet keeps havvin all these small piglet problems them big ones in the book dont have cuz they big n can reach everything n get places fast n easy cuz they dont got little legs. well thats how im feelin today. the world is tigger gettin everyplace in great big great bounces n me it takes me forever to do 1 billion steps n get one bounce far n im all tired n everybody else makke that one big bounce step look easy but its not for me. for me its tired and sad and not even as good even tho i do lots and lots of work.

so i was thinkin n one of them inside ones he tells me how i aint gotta go n work hard to be ok when im sad n i aint gotta work hard to try to do things that are hard for me. in that book one thing piglet does is he goes n gets eeyores tail unstuck from a bush cuz hes small enough to fit n eeyore cant cuz hes just to big. so maybe what i should do to be helpful n not feel so small is what i can do easy cuz of who i am. well it aint easy cuz its hard for me to be sad when all i think is stop that nikki! but maybe i need to stop that tryin to stop it business n just be sad and thinkk about why n let it happen cuz lots of them other ones in here with me cant do sad even when they try but for me? oh i get sad i do. i know that sounds stupid but its a big aha thing for me to think that.

im sad cuz everythings changin. im sad cuz i dont wanna be a grown up. im sad cuz i dont think i got anything helpful to do. im sad cuz when im feelin small i got no one to care bout me cept them others in my heead who keep changin n goin away n if they all go away then nobody ever gonna notice me again n im gonna feel like how it was when i was a real for real kid lost and invisible like nobody ghost girl and i hate that. im sad cuz i cant be good enough n helpful enough for them in my head with me to stay them n be here with me and im sad and mad at me for bein so selfish. im sad cuz i miss my brother. im sad cuz of lots of things.

but i am glad i know i can say them things.
but i am glad i know this dont last forever. sad dont last forever.
now im gonna go cry some more cuz i can

nikki