I had a dream last night. In it I was explaining to my mother why I haven’t worked for three years. I told her that I think I have agoraphobia and that I have a need to be in a safe place or with a person I feel safe with when out of my safe zone. We talked about anxiety and the root of mine; I had to remind her that anxiety disorders run rampant on both sides of the family.

I have shared on this site about my marriage and the issue of infidelity. I feel very vulnerable entrusting my safety and security in a man I am not sure will be there for me in the long haul. I find myself making emotional compromises for the sake of security. My husband is 66 and says he values the structure and security I bring to his life. I manage the money and make sure the bills are paid each month. I clean his clothes, keep up on daily chores and basically keep the home fires burning. As wife number five, apparently I am the only with any homemaking and money management skills. But... He still has that need for the chase. He is 66, and his sex plumbing doesn’t work much anymore, but he still has the emotional libido of a 25 year old.

Agoraphobia and my safe zone has a shaky foundation. Just needed to talk.