I'm 17, and have been absolutely sure I was BPD since I was about 13 or 14. I hit every single diagnostic criteria except for the whole spending money/eliciting sex/etc stuff, since I really just didn't know where to get access to that stuff, and was insistent on the fact I was borderline.

But recently - maybe the last year or so - what used to be intense, constant, tearful mood swings has become maybe one or two of those every week, with spurts of intense, violent anger many 4 times a week.

And while I should be happy about it, all I feel is an immense sense of disconnect with the world. I feel like the reason I've had little to no mood swings is that my mood swings were from negative stimulus to do with the relationships I were in (as often is with BPD), and I haven't been in a serious relationship in over a year, as the last one I was in was horribly abusive. Since then, I've also maintained less and less friendship, as I feel disconnected, numb, and unable to pursue any sort of emotional connection.

Like, the fear of abandonment turned into a straight up refusal to make new connections.

The mood swings I experience now are still "overreactive" - the other day I self harmed because I was getting a video game a day late - but I tend to go through life now as a passenger, so to speak - much more as typical depressed symptoms, rather than borderline. But because of my BPD identity issues, this usually causes hour long spurts of downright panic and fear that I'm not BPD, and that I'm not sick enough to deserve the treatment I'm getting in therapy.

Can I really still have BPD without the mood swings? I know that you only need 5 of 9 symptoms to reach a diagnosis, but isn't emotion dysregulation a prime symptom? The issue isn't so much being unable to regulate emotions, but that I haven't felt the same emotions I used to feel in over a year. What do I do? It feels wrong, bad, and everyday I feel less and less like I can understand myself.