At this point, I do worry mostly about myself. I ask myself, daily, "Would I feel better, if I stepped away from what I've been doing?" I believe that I wouldn't. I'm staying here as much for me as for him. This has been my "job" that has given me something to get up for in the morning. I think I might just stay in bed depressed, if I were alone.

I had bouts of severe depression long before I met him. But I've always been functional. To pdocs, I just don't seem that bad. One said my problem was more a personality disorder. That pdoc got to disliking me very much. She wasn't the first. How you get diagnosed can have a lot to do with whether doctors feel sympathetic toward you. I have a real gift for alienating people I've gone to for psych help.

I've tried telling myself that I need to become a better person. I need more self-discipline to get up in the morning and not waste day after day. I don't see me changing.

This has gotten awful bad.