Quote:
Originally Posted by Rose76
At this point, I do worry mostly about myself. I ask myself, daily, "Would I feel better, if I stepped away from what I've been doing?" I believe that I wouldn't. I'm staying here as much for me as for him. This has been my "job" that has given me something to get up for in the morning. I think I might just stay in bed depressed, if I were alone.
I had bouts of severe depression long before I met him. But I've always been functional. To pdocs, I just don't seem that bad. One said my problem was more a personality disorder. That pdoc got to disliking me very much. She wasn't the first. How you get diagnosed can have a lot to do with whether doctors feel sympathetic toward you. I have a real gift for alienating people I've gone to for psych help.
I've tried telling myself that I need to become a better person. I need more self-discipline to get up in the morning and not waste day after day. I don't see me changing.
This has gotten awful bad.
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Honestly Rose - you have changed quite a bit just in the time I have known you. I always thought you a good n caring person but we bumped heads like mountain goats. I don't know if its a good thing or a bad thing that you have changed so much. I have been trying to figure that out. It could be that you saw things in yourself and chose to change them = good, or it could be that you have been beat down so much you no longer have that fire inside to stand your ground "no matter what" = bad. I realize I have changed too. Mine has been a mix of both. But since you do not realize your changes - it concerns me a bit.
It could well be you have a personality disorder, but would that be so bad? At least you would have a starting knowledge of "how to fix it". Not all personality disorders have to be lifelong. BPD may or may not be for instance. You are right though, in order to get any kind of help, regardless of the "label" given - you need a good fit between doctor and patient. Are you still looking?
You are a good person and have always been a good person. Even when I whole heartedly disagreed with things you said, it was never because I thought you a "bad" person or that you needed to be somehow a "better" person.
I think you have let yourself become too much invested in him - meaning through him, his health, his happiness, what he says - is how you measure your self worth bc its as if you have actually handed a good measure of your spirit (for lack of better word) over to him. So yes, if you leave him - you will be miserable - but only for a time. That time will be however long it takes for your spirit to return to you n for you to start repairing it. The longer you wait to do that though, the more you will feel yourself growing tired - almost as if you are simply fading away into something else that you don't recognize. That's because that's what you are doing.
Believe it or not Rose, I care about you. I always have. Please look after yourself.
❤