Did something happen years ago when your mom died that kept you from grieving then? I know when my mom died I was the only family she had left except my daughter who lived several states away. Choices my mom made created a trauma situation that I went through trying to protect her when she was dying. I was so angry with her grieving wasn't possible. 12 years later I have never grieved her death & know now I never will realizing & accepting it was what it was & I no longer am angry either. Just let go of everything that happened during that time. I remember at times but it doesn't hold the control from the PTSD like it did for years.

Are you blaming yourself for your mom's death? (is that why you are self-punishing/harming yourself?)