MC today. Last week, I'd e-mailed him about what he had told T2 about how I'd found out on my own about his wife's passing. And later sent e-mail saying he didn't have to discuss that with me, that I'd just been worried that things were going well with T2 and he would make him worry I'd be a stalker. And also saying that I just felt weirdly ambivalent about him (MC) lately and wasn't sure if that was, say, the transference fading or something else. I didn't hear back from him, but knew he was out of town for part of this week.

So, session today. He opened by apologizing for not responding to my e-mails. I said I understood, that I knew he'd been away. I asked if he'd read them, and he said he had that morning. And said again that he was sorry for not writing back.

He wanted to know if we wanted to talk about the content of the e-mails or perhaps how i felt that he didn't respond. I said I understood about not responding.

And that maybe I did want to discuss part of the second e-mail. That I felt sort of less connected to him (cue the tears), and I wasn't sure if that's what it felt like for transference/attachment to fade. How I'd expected it to feel different, just a gradual fading away, then suddenly realize I'm not as dependent. But this is different. It's like I feel ambivalent about him. and I don't know what that means.

He said it didn't mean that the relationship (between me and him) was in danger. (More tears). He said it might be different for me seeing both a male marriage counselor and male individual T (since T1 is female). That as I'm connecting more with T2, that could be affecting my relationship with him (MC). That maybe I'm not as cathected to him. He said how I'd been worried about this happening from seeing T2. So maybe I'm noticing it more.

I said maybe in a way I was pulling away from him, how maybe there was almost a push-pull thing going on at times. He agreed with that. And said that even if I did pull away, the relationship isn't threatened. I compared it to teens pulling away from their parents, and he said that's exactly what it's like. I said I guessed I tended to think of teens being like, "Woohoo, I'm becoming independent!" When really it's probably more conflicted than that. He agreed (His main focus is on teens, plus he has teenage kids of his own). He said in those cases, the relationship isn't threatened either. That kids can grow up, leave the home, become independent, but the relationship with their parents is still there.

I did bring up my fears of him telling T2 about my finding out about his wife (though I managed to do it--and we managed to have the whole conversation--without actually mentioning the words "wife" or "death" ). I said I felt things were going well with T2 and was afraid what MC told him would make T2 concerned about working with me. Like now he'd be worried. I said how it felt the same with him in the session after I'd told him, that he was acting normally toward me, still made another appointment. So rationally I knew it was OK, but it still concerned me.

MC said it wouldn't be useful if he'd just told T2 what a great person I was and all my strengths. That T2 would wonder what the point of the conversation had been. That he wouldn't say negative things about me, but would share things I needed to work on. Then he said if he'd told T2 I had issues with anxiety, attachment, and transference, and they often played themselves out in the therapy setting--would that surprise me? I was like, "Well, no."

I said I knew some of it was coming from me--projecting. That the thing he'd told T2 was something I already felt really bad about, so I was afraid of the impression MC was giving T2, how he presented it. H commented how I'd already beaten myself up about it, and it was coming up again. I forget what MC said to that.

Talked about fears of people changing or pulling away. Anxiety and worry. A very elaborate analogy he'd learned in an anxiety workshop that I wont' go into here. He mentioned he'd been on a plane earlier that week, and he could have just worried that it would crash. But chances were, it wouldn't. He said there was no guarantee that anything else bad wouldn't happen to any of us. But it's better to save worrying for when it's really time to worry.

I said I knew we had to stop (had been nearly an hour), and he said "we still have a minute or two." Which felt particularly caring to me. And made me cry, and I said, "Sorry, I don't know why I'm crying right now."

MC said how the session had been a bit about reassurance. But he wondered what the chances were that at some point after I left, I'd still be worried about things with him. I said "About 90%" He said he figured that, but to think right now about the session. Was there anything that had been done or said that would make me think things weren't OK, that the relationship was in danger? I said if I really thought about it, no. He said I should try to cope with the anxiety, that it wouldn't feel good, but I could get through it. Not that he was saying not to contact him, but just to try coping. I said OK.

He said that could apply to other things, too, like with H. To think about all the signs within a given month that H cares about and loves me and wants to be in a relationship with me. I said I would try to do that more instead of looking for the signs that it's not OK.

He said how I'd probably still have that little bit of doubt--and where did that come from? I said probably from my own self-doubt, the messages inside my head going back to when i was younger. MC said when the doubt comes in, to do this: He flicked his finger with his thumb and made a "pow" sort of sound. I did that, and he was like, "No, not all your fingers, just the one" and demonstrated again. I asked if it was that easy, why didn't he show me this ages ago?

Scheduled for next week (seeing him Thursday, then skipping the next week due to Thanksgiving). He said he's still not shaking hands because he's been coughing (it's been like 3 weeks now--is it silly that I miss it?). As we were walking out, he said, "Take care," and I said, "You too."