So 3 years ago I was diagnosed. I've been stable for 3 years, and everything has been great. In September my doctor decided to cut my meds in half. I have no idea why. A month later I'm manic and telling my boss I have a crush on him and sending him poetry online at 11pm. I think I've spent about 4000 on psychics and just made a fool out of myself with other people, and perhaps some enemies along the way. I lost the opportunity to convert from a contract role to perm because I couldn't speak during the interview, and I'm their best employee.

I didn't tell my doctor in the midst of the crisis because I didn't know I was in one. I guess I was in a mixed state though. It was awful. After I told him, he increased my meds and also tried to put me on lithium because at this point I was severely depressed - still am in that cycle.

This is the first time this has happened to me while I'm aware that I'm bipolar. I can look back on plenty of crazy manic things I've done through my life, but I've always been on antidepressants, so I've never dealt with the extreme depression I'm dealing with now. I stopped the lithium due to weight gain. I'm now taking Tamoxifen (just started today). If you all have any experience with it I'd love to hear. I take 200 x2 of Lamictal and 10 of Abilify daily.

How long does the depression last, and do you just come out of it, or do you need to take all of these extra meds when before I did not need them? I'm confused. I don't even want to take a shower, I can't even fathom getting up for work (luckily I can work from home a few days per week and go in at like 10), it takes everything I have to take my dog out. Luckily Amazon delivers groceries or I'd be eating pizza every day. I didn't get my mail for a month so it was sent back, etc. And Of course just keeping a happy face on the outside..sort of...

And I've depleted the supply of alcohol in the house and bought more. I just cry, and my anxiety is just off the charts (hence the psychics...crazy). I often think of shooting myself, but I would never do that so don't worry. I'm OK today...better, but this has been a hell of a ride. My family doesn't even know I'm bipolar. Just a couple of friends, and I don't want to burden them with all of this.I can't believe all I've done during this episode. I'm very hard on myself though.