Sabby....So sweet of you to respond to this!
I do realize, and have for some time now, that this was a substitute for a "real" relationship, but since those experiences had been so bad and traumatic, and hearing from him was so "fulfilling" to me, it was somehow better that way for all the years.

When I declined to see him during his visit here, I did tell him of this....that seeing him would only exacerbate my feelings for him, which I had worked long to balance. Also, his emails had already become few and far between, with responses from him apologizing for not writing sooner. Whereas...in the past, our emails had been several daily!

Still, having the illness of my mother, caring for her in my home, and her subsequent death, about which I wrote to him, I expected to hear more from him...I didn't .

He did tell me, when he was here in person with me, that he could "do things" which were reprehensible, and which should make a person feel shame, but he would not, and would lose no sleep over it! At that, I am glad I declined to be more affectionate toward him, since this means much to me.

Sorry for rambling here.
Patty