I apologize in advance, I don't know how long it will be.

I am seeing a neurologist at Duke University on Monday, a seizure specialist. I started having a seizure-like episode last November, which oringinally caused my motor function to decrease. Normal CT scans and MRI. Motor symptoms eventually subsided, but the seizures became more frequent. They tend to be worse right before and during my cycle, when I don't get enough sleep, and when I am stressed. My husband, 2 girls, and I were living with my parents at the time, and my bipolar was all over the place. But my seizure symptoms were not worse when my bipolar symptoms were, it was definitely more connected to my cycles. My mom told me that she didn't understand my bipolar and she was too old to learn. . We finally decided we'd be better off impoverished in our own place than staying there, so we left in mid May. I had my last seizure the end of May, living with my parents was likely more stressful than I realized.

Until a few weeks ago, now the seizures have come back. I put myself under a lot of stress with trying to get our business off the ground, wasn't sleeping, which I think was both a cause and effect of my mania. In the midst of this, right before my cycle, the seizures started again. The first one was really bad, the next few after over a course of about 5 days were not as bad. I went about a week and a half without any, but started having more this past week, I believe those were about 2 weeks after I crashed down to extreme depression.

The point of this is when I see the neurologist, I know he is going to tell me not to drive. I saw a different neurologist back in late May, who was not a seizure specialist, but he didn't specifically tell me not to drive, probably because my husband had taken my keys the beginning of March, he had not let me drive since. But in late June my husband let me drive again, because I had been without a seizure for over a month.

However the only useful thing I do now is pick my girls up from school, take them to their extracurricular activities, and take them to medical appointments. I have plummeted into a deep depression, I don't cook, I don't clean, I don't want to leave my house (only time I do is to drive the girls around), and I don't even have the concentration to make much progress on the business, although my husband says I am still doing a lot. If he suddenly has to take care of the house and do all the driving for our kids, how is he going to handle that? My bipolar disorder has already made me a burden, I can't have these seizures make me even more of a burden. Especially since I'm just going to be told I am having them because I am crazy, as if being bipolar isn't bad enough.

And just seeing a neurologist for these episodes pisses me off, because I am just going to get blown off, told these are psychogenic, and basically sent on my way. I had seizure episodes like this 5 years ago, when I was in the midst of a bad fatigue and joint flare up (I have autoimmune symptoms too, but no real diagnosis). After a normal EEG I was told my seizures were psychogenic, I needed to see a psychiatric provider (hello, I'm bipolar, I already see psychiatric providers, I told her), yet was told I couldn't drive for 6 months! So...she didn't think my seizures were real, yet I still couldn't drive? B.S. I went back to work and back to driving 3 months later.

But these seizures that started last year have been MUCH worse. I had them so often, many times back to back, they give me migraines, and this tied to my cycle thing is new. However, I am used to being blown off. A neurologist I saw last October before my seizure (because I had developed tingling and muscle weakness in my arms) would not see me after I had my seizure, and said my seizures were psychogenic, even though he never asked me a single question about my seizures! I just cannot take being blown off.

The Duke neurologist I saw in May was a movement disorder specialist, not a seizure specialist (because my stupid primary doctor's referral specialist wrote the wrong info on my form, SMH) but he was nice and told me it sounded like I could be having epileptic and non-epileptic seizures, but as soon as he mentioned me being at risk for non-epileptic seizures because of my bipolar disorder, I thanked him, then got up and left. Don't get me wrong, I DO NOT want epilepsy, but I don't have epilepsy, no one develops epilepsy in their 30's. I just want them to look beyond me being bipolar. I don't know if anyone else experiences this, but I get NO respect from the medical community once they find out I'm bipolar. If they don't know exactly why I have an issue, it must be related to that. Lazy excuse for doctors. My husband used to have migraine-induced seizures, and he was never treated like that.

But this will be a competent neurologist, and he will tell me not to drive, likely for 6 months. I can't do that, I just can't. I cannot live in a house where I contribute NOTHING, my husband deserves better than that. He has been so understanding, and so supportive, and so forgiving of my bipolar disorder, I don't deserve it. He deserves a better wife than me, my kids deserve a better mother than me, I just want to walk away from them all, hope he'll find a new wife, my kids will have a normal stepmother, and he can get his life back. He keeps tellng me he only wants to be with me, how bad it would hurt our girls if I'm not here, but I find that hard to believe. There would be a dark cloud lifted from our family.

I have been trying to keep myself together, trying not to think about leaving my family, but I don't think I will make it through this Neurology appointment. Not only will I be told I am crazy, but I will end up crying, because these seizures have been so devastating for me, so it will confirm I am crazy. And when I am told I can't drive, that will be the last straw. I am of no use to my family.

I think I channel my suicidal thoughts into thoughts of wanting to leave, because I see leaving as something that is much more likely to happen. At least I hope it will continue to stay that way, who knows. But I have nowhere to go. The one person who would have taken me in, one of the guys I met during my worst manic episode ever last year, I no longer have his number. He continued to contact me after I broke off contact (my husband found out about the horrible things I did and forgave me, though I never forgave myself) the last time being over this summer. But I'm nowhere near that manic anymore, I don't have that desire to see him. I erased his number (again) and I haven't heard from him since. Maybe he took my advice and finally found a girlfriend, but there is a part of me that hopes he will contact me soon. I need somewhere to go. I don't love him, barely like him, and have no desire to have sex with him, but I would do it if it gave me a place to stay. I'd have sex with anyone if it gave me a place to stay. THAT is how bad off I am right now. . But HOW to I get help? No one knows how to help me. Fortunately you can't be hospitalized for being a hypersexual inconsiderate burden who feels I need to abandon my family.

I'm sorry this is so long, I just don't know where to get all this out. I have one close friend, who I've known since we were infants, who tells me I am not a horrible person, who tells me I have a horrible disease, who has never judged me, who is always there for me...but I don't even know how to talk to her. I have never felt more useless in my life.

If you've made it this far, thanks for listening.