Apologies, for I haven't read every reply....I feel compelled to answer, because I have been in/am in a similar way to you. I'm a well meaning girl (MOST of the time) I am now in my early 40s, and am just coming round to facing the truth about the way I behave/treat others. I relate, and once could have posted this

I obviously dunno you/your situation, however, I have lost the good opinion of (sadly) most people who were once the closest to me. I have one nasty side n was stupid enough to think I c/should be forgiven for my ways, because I'm really a decent person...WRONG & I never saw it, I didn't have a clue. Now, I know I'm ok really, because, luckily, for the most part, I'm treated well.

It sounds like you have had a hard time...perhaps, as I do, you don't believe you deserve bad treatment, when it comes finds you (I'm not suggesting you do, btw) regrettably, in my world anyways, things do have a way of coming back.

Forgive the long post, I'm not sure it's helpful, but I really do understand n wanted to lend support. A wise woman who I have the good fortune of knowing advises, everything is connected, often more intricately so than we think x