Quote:
Originally Posted by velcro003
On that note, I feel so so effed up. I don't know how to relate to other human's anymore, unless they are a toddler or my co-worker. I am trying to go back to a sport that I quit in January bc of hurt feelings, but it is SO HARD.
My T has said that if one goes denying their needs for years and years and years, when one exposes itself (as friendship in my case), they feel really huge and unmanagable. That is how I feel.
I don't know how to reconcile the massive anxiety I feel with going back and dealing with other adults on a "peer to peer" relationship, when I feel so effing insignficant and like it matters to absolutely no one that I am back, or if I drop off the face of the earth again. (I had done this sport for about 1.5 years before I quit)
There is one person who has shown me kindness since I came back. I have already lost two friendships to people I thought cared about me before I quit. I was wrong, bc they either didn't actually care about me, or my effing depressing self finally caught up to them, of which I don't blame.
The thing is...I don't know how to relate normally anymore. I either feel like a complete invisible alien amongst these group of women, or I want to spill all my stupid, dark thoughts to this one person who is showing me kindness. The thing is, I did that ALREADY with my two former friends...who eventually dropped me because I am sad as eff., I know this. Except I only know two ways of being: complete isolation or finding someone who apparently cares a SMIDGE about me....and then I turn them away from me because I am a GD leper.
Anybody else feel this way? I can't really talk to my T about this, bc it feels so shameful. Being so needy.
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I know what you mean. I was actually afraid I'd overshared to quickly with T2 and that he'd reject me--and it's his *job* to listen to people share all that stuff. With friends, it's like I'm both afraid they'll reject me if I share too much, but also feel like I need to share certain things to make sure they'll still accept me. Not sure how much sense that makes. Once, when I was worried I'd overshared with a friend, then was confused when they still wanted to hang out, MC said it was like I was thinking, "You're going to reject me eventually--why don't you just get it over with?" I was like that with dating, too, like "Once they figure out the real me, they'll be out of here." (and that seemed to happen a few times...) But then it didn't feel like a real relationship if I wasn't sharing my true self. I did have a relationship like that in college, but that was drama-filled (he also had MH issues) and ended very painfully. I'm still mystified that my H is still with me after >10 years, after all he knows about me...
I talked a bit about some of the oversharing with friends fears to T2 in an early session, and he was like, "You seem to have this need to share everything with people. Where do you think that comes from?" I said probably from my parents being both secretive and judgmental. Like they would think I shouldn't talk about mental illness to anyone, things like that. So it's like I'm trying to do the opposite. And I want to find people who truly accept me as I am, because then it's like I can trust they won't suddenly bail on me.
Unfortunately, I've had a couple close friends basically bail on me--one (former best friend) I'm still not sure why--we tried to discuss it at one point online, but it got kinda ugly. And another, who I'd been close friends with (and briefly romantically involved with ages ago) for years was extremely judgmental about me after I confided something in him (a mistake I'd made). And that hurt like hell. I assume he still considers me a friend (and would be there if I really needed him), but I'm kind of afraid to talk to him again.
I have a few fairly close real-life friends now (plus some online ones!), but they're all people I've met more recently (like past 5-10 years--which I guess isn't that recently, but I'd been friends with some of the others like 20 years or more). They seem to be quite accepting of me, but I still worry anytime I share something with them.
That was a really long way of saying I get it!