This will probably be long.. I'm sorry. I'll try to make it short.

So I'll give yall a little back story. I've been abused almost my whole life. Obviously that had some negative effects in my life.. I started drinking heavily at 14 and seeking any attention I could get, mainly from males. I didn't want to get physical with them, I just wanted to show off a little and get that rush. That's when I met my now husband. We've been together for over 10 years now.. Well I randomly go through phases of needing that male attention.. and it gets really intense. Like I can't sleep at night just needing to feel wanted, needing someone to want me a fierce desire.

Obviously, I have my husband and we do ok for the most part. But we struggle a lot. We both have a lot of baggage that we have to deal with. And it's like living in a constant state of being overwhelmed. It's so hard to explain. I love my husband, I have since the day I met him, and we both try. We are always trying for each other. But I feel like we just come up short. And I don't know how much more I can handle. We don't even really have sex anymore..

I'm a stay at home mom to 3 kids and I have no escape. We have no babysitters, my husband does all of the shopping. I literally stay in my house all day everyday. And he has our car for work and works insane hours, so I can't even do the shopping. I feel very isolated and alone.. up until recently..

A kind of friend of mine (very toxic person) had a long time friend (they kind of wanted to try dating) come up from a different state for 2 weeks. And he was debating on moving up here if everything went well.. well let's just say that it pretty much instantly went bad. So he ended up staying with us for the remainder of his trip.. and this guy I had barely known became like a best friend.. we talked about growing up (both from the south) we talked about our struggles in life, we talked about our interests and things we wanted to do. We both love the same music so we listened to a lot of music, (which is hard for my husband and I because he's not really into music.) We played board games (again, my husband isn't a big fan of games) we could just talk and interact and connect on a level that I haven't seen in a very long time. I'm not saying I'm in love with him or anything like that.. like I said, he's like my best friend, like I've known him my whole life.

But I did want that attention from him and maybe more.. thankfully that did not happen (and I didn't try to make it happen, I just kind of wanted it to) anyways.. we dropped him off at the airport today and I am absolutely heartbroken. I mean, we have each others phone numbers so we can talk sometimes.. but now I'm back to this house feeling more empty than I did before. Like I'll never feel alive again.

Is it bad that I want to feel alive? I don't think it is.. but what is bad.. is wanting to feel it when I know I won't get it from my husband.

Like I said, I'm not in love with this guy or anything.. but I do love the feeling I got when I was around him.. Like being alive. Like I matter.. like the things that I love doing and talking about actually matter. I just want him to come back.

I don't know how to feel and I don't have anyone I can talk to about this.

I know I should just try harder with my husband. I just don't know what else to do. I've tried going out of my way to take an interest in him and what he likes.. doing special things for him that I know he likes. We've talked about everything many times to no avail. He won't see a counselor with me. So I guess I just have to deal with it?

Any advice?