You need to work on this with your T because it is important issue to work through. Allowing your mind to feed your thoughts with untruths & for you to act on them even when you know it isnt true is VERY UNHEALTHY....
You do realize that denial IS a phase of the grieving process
Quote:
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The five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief. Not everyone goes through all of them or in a prescribed order.
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https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/
Have you ever had grief counselling to know what is normal for you to be going through? Sounds like you are in the grief phases just on yoyr own time schedule (which is NORMAL)