Quote:
Originally Posted by Hoasis
Just thought about it the other day, exactly what is the main issue with my avpd. Why cant I "connect" with people, why cant I really take control in a conversation, why do I always feel lonely when I am around other people? For me I feel like I am living this fantasy life inside my head. I daydream a lot, talk to myself, imagining living a totally different life than what I actually have.
I just feel I am not made to be with other people and socialize like 95 %of the population. I just want to be in my bubble and daydream, and for some reason cant seem to get out of it and jump into "real life".
I am very curious to hear your story. What do you think is the main cause with your avpd?
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This describes me to a great deal. I'm at a point in my life where I am embracing the solitude again.
I spent 15 years in self-imposed isolation starting from my very early 20's. I came back to God just over 2 years ago, and started getting involved in church activities and social functions, and started working again.
I remember after a really bad breakup in my early 20's (the only serious relationship I ever had), everything else in my life started falling apart. I was getting severe panic attacks when I went out, and I started staying at home just to get relief from it.
I didn't leave my house at all for more than a year before I finally saw a doctor about it.
But it got to where whenever I went out, I couldn't wait to get home. My house was my sanctuary, and the only place where I could relax and be myself.
As the years went by, I had no friends, and no desire for any. I too fantasized a lot, had a very elaborate and rich fantasy life that I escaped to. I preferred it over real life.
When I started going back out, all those issues I dealt with as a young adult - that didn't bother me at home - began to resurface. The last 2 years in so many ways have been the most challenging in my whole life.
I was always quiet and a loner, and as a kid and young adult I was more sociable and emotional and desired relationships and acceptance from others. But over the years that changed. I struggle a lot with relating to others and connecting to others, but, truth is, I don't like people and I don't find relationships with them fulfilling.
I was always a very sensitive person, but I am pretty indifferent these days and don't really desire relationships with people.
I still experience loneliness occasionally, but I find boredom more intolerable than anything else.
I was diagnosed with Avpd from my last therapist after spending 2 years with her, but I think I'm more on the schizoid spectrum. I don't have affective empathy or feelings for people.
But as to the cause, that's a long story. But it had its start in childhood, abuse and neglect at home, as well as rejection from family and peers.