Posting this here so I don't actually e-mail you all this:
Dear MC,
So, the thing is, there's this part of me that wants you to say, regarding what you told T2, that it's OK I went looking for and found out what I did. That you're not mad or upset about that, even if it made things more difficult for you. That you understand why I did it. That you forgive me.

But then there's this other part of me that feels I shouldn't be looking for that. Not because you'd probably say something like, "If I'm bothered by it, it doesn't matter. It's not a reflection on you as a person."

Instead, it's because, when I really think about it--not from the self-hating part of myself, but from the more rational, intellectual part of myself--that I don't see where I did anything wrong. There were all these signs pointing in a particular direction, and I just verified what I was already sensing.

I don't know what I'm looking for in response to this. I mean, I know you're probably not going to be like, "It's OK, LT. I forgive you." Because maybe you don't. And I guess that's OK... I mean, sure, I'd rather you feel and say that, but if you don't, I know it doesn't mean you're rejecting me because, if you were going to do that, you would have done that by now, like terminated us or whatever. I think I just want to know that you understand why I did that search on that particular day.

So...I don't know. I just had to get this out, I think.

--LT