For those that have followed my story - I am lurking here. I read a lot of other's posts and occasionally post.
My sessions of late have been a mess - I have been a mess. The relationship with me and my T is going fine. It is the topics that have left me very sad and sometimes not connected. There have been lots of circular conversations as I somewhat incoherently link random thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Couples counseling is going slowly as is my healing from my most recent surgery.
Art - I just went and read your thread on attachment and crying little boy. I found it timely given my Thursday session. Here is an excerpt from that session note write up:
Quote:
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I don’t remember how we transitioned from previous topic (and this dialog might not be in exact order), I remember just saying that on my way to session I thought about saying I love you and then crying the rest of my session. I said that there was more to the I love you than just trying to internalize it. That there was something more about saying it over and over, about telling it to you. I said that I didn’t know what the something more was. I started crying. I told you that it repeats in my head over and over again, not always to you. I said that there was some anger with it. That I wasn’t sure where it was coming from. I said that there was a part of me with the “I love you” that is like “don’t you get it” and wanting to shake you (not you specific). You asked me if I though you didn’t believe you when you said I know. I said that it was more general than that, not you specific. That there is something about not being believed. I told you about the realization around wife's comment about me not being able to leave her because she’d hunt me down, burn my stuff and bury me in the backyard – how when she lost that over my birthday, I felt like she no longer thought I was worth fighting for, no longer wanted. And that there was something in this mix about that too. You said stuff here, I don’t remember. I went back to me saying I love you and how there’s this feeling of ‘yeah, yeah, that’s nice dear, now go away. Can’t you see I’m busy here’. You said that my gift wasn’t received. My thoughts are "It wasn’t wanted". You called it a precious gift. You said something about being vulnerable. I said that there was more here that they were all balled together but I couldn’t see it. Then I said, ‘Not seen’. You repeated that I can’t see the connection. I said, ‘I’m not seen’. You said invisible, in the wall. I cried, I think I nodded. I feel like more was said here. I looked at you off and on through this, sometimes connecting sometimes looking through/past you, lots of times looking off to the side. Yes, in the wall; I’m in the wall here.
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