I stay alive for people who tell me they want to die.

Only one of them know the extent of my own issues regarding this topic. And she also struggles with severe depression, anxiety and SI. Even then, I don't tell her everything.

I have a T and pdoc. I don't tell my T everything and my pdoc knows next to nothing.

It's not their fault that when they tell me they want to die, I can't help but think, "I'm only alive because you asked me to." I hate thinking that because I need to be there and present to listen (help if I can). So, I pull myself up by my bootstraps, slap on a "positive" attitude and stow my ****. It's what I do. And I just take in everything they tell me.

I've done this for a long time. Yet, lately, I can't do it sober. That can mean drinking, getting high etc.. It's like in order for me to accept that my friends and some family are hurting this way, I have to get a little help. Why am I like this? They're hurting and I can barely stow my **** like I need to.

I hate myself for thinking this way. It's selfish. I'm selfish and I hate it.

(Not about anyone on PC)