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Originally Posted by eskielover
I had the experience that being trapped in the bad marriage with a guy who was financially irresponsible & unable to emotionally connect, I was like a tiger in a trap that kept having sticks poked at me, I didnt have any rose colored glasses & never felt love either direction. So when I ended up trapped with no way out, I struck out with my claws. I fought his kind of abuse with my own kind of abuse. Talk about a messy situation. The relief of finally being able to escape.....once I was out I had a difficult time grasping that I was free. Though he up is still destroying me financially, having the distance & my freedom, I have no desire to continue fighting back with my abuse. Makes me realize that in some cases (not yours) abuse is a self defense reaction....but it still is abusive action. I look back & wonder how I would have reacted differently & honestly...I probably wouldn't since it was in reality the only voice I could find in a situation like that. I would have had to have not married in the first place like my gut feeling told me or left while I had my career instead of hiding in it but stayed for our daughter which only messed her up more.
Relationships & even abuse is so much more complex in certain situations that we can ever imagine in a generalized sort of way.
Your bring up about abuse triggered my memory in realizing that was how I responded to the kind of abuse I was experiencing. Ugh, a relationship where nothing but abuse is being slung around....no where to duck to miss it. Would live my life pleasantly alone before ever getting involved in something like that again. Somehow peace & quiet is very inviting after a life like that.
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You know, it is very common I do believe, to fight fire with fire and to resort to stooping to their level. I have done this with my abusive ex's as well. Sometimes, it feels like it's the only thing that will work -- is to sling it back right at them. So, I can relate very much to what you are saying.
It's making me see how truly dysfunctional my relationship was. We had numerous blowout fights when living together, where daggers were thrown in both directions and voices were raised to the point of yelling at each other. I would never have participated in this way, had he not been disrespectful to begin with.... whenever I confronted him, it turned into a rip roaring massive fight, where he would start accusing me of all this BS, which then would turn into a fight. Good Lord.
I am SO glad to be out of this relationship. PEACE is sooooo much better.
And yes, abusive relationships ARE complex. There are many aspects to them and they are not simple to dissect. Some forms of abuse are so covert that you cannot exactly even identify it or recognize it as abuse. You only know that you are feeling badly, walking on eggshells or feel fearful of that person, even.
I became afraid of confronting my ex with his behavior and making him accountable because of the way he would attack me and accuse me every time I did. So I was afraid....
I digress. I am glad you got out of your abusive relationship. The freedom from that type of jail sentence cannot be measured.....
With each day, I am feeling stronger and better and more resolute. It's amazing how time truly does heal, along with personal reflection and getting support around it.
thanks for your story and for your support.
