Hi, nice to meet everyone. Sorry this is long; I appreciate all advice and would especially love to hear from anyone who has gone through anything similar. TL/DR: If your problem is making human connections, is therapy the right place to work on that?

I've been seeing a therapist for three months now. I came in for a specific issue -- which we mostly focused on for the first two months, and which he has helped enormously with -- then I decided to carry on with the intention of trying to solve longterm issues I've had. For what it's worth, I think my therapist is competent, intelligent, professional and empathetic.

The longterm issue I have is opening up emotionally or feeling empathy -- I act and think like a robot. I suffered with fairly severe depression/anxiety/chronic unemployment and underemployment/bottom of the barrel self-esteem until my mid-twenties, (I'm early thirties now) and have basically shut down because any more hurt would have meant I killed myself. When I mostly shut off and saw other people as inanimate objects and stopped trying to win my mother's love and approval, my life came together in a way it never had before. I have a husband and one close friend I am open with, but 95% of the time I feel nothing. I vastly prefer my emotionally dead life to my previously emotional one -- I don't feel things, but I don't live in a torture chamber all day long anymore and I can actually function in the world.

I am now having trouble, because after my therapist helped me so much with my initial issue, I have, quite understandably, developed warm and caring feelings towards him. I basically feel like a human around him, feel like I did around people ten years ago. But in the last couple of weeks I've began to wonder whether therapy is the right way to solve my problem of making human connections, because a therapist can't ever be 'all in' with a client, or have a real relationship with a client, nor would I expect them to.

There have been a couple of times the limits of therapy have rubbed themselves in my face. Once was when we discussed something that upset me to the point I left the office literally shaking in fear, largely due to him charging ahead too quickly into a sensitive issue (the only time I think he has made a mistake), and there was no quick text saying "Are you OK?" I wouldn't normally expect him to contact me outside sessions, but on this occasion it felt cold, harsh and uncaring. The next session he began talking about how upset I'd been at the last session before I even sat down -- the human in him actually seemed desperate to discuss it. But he didn't comment when I said I'd been quite upset with him, he just sat there -- no apology, not even an I'm sorry you feel this way.

Then this weekend, I bumped into him at a festival. He didn't acknowledge me (and that makes complete sense to me, I wouldn't want him to), but the fact that he didn't text to say "Just want to say I saw you but couldn't say hi due to confidentiality reasons. Let's catch up Wed" hurts like hell. Especially since one of my biggest issues and reason for shutting down is people ignoring me. It made me feel invisible and like I've stupidly developed affection for someone who is ultimately unavailable for a two-way emotional relationship.

There are also a couple of times I've asked him generic questions (or questions he could give a generic answer to) about himself, like why he became a therapist or what he's doing on the weekend, mostly because I'm curious and just like him (or at least, therapist him), and he's done everything he could to dodge the question. I've also told him a couple of times I'd like to hug him, but he never stops to discuss this. I was going so mad with wanting any kind of physical touch but not wanting to ask for a hug (because I think it's unfair to ask someone who's providing a professional service for physical intimacy) that I asked to shake his hand. He did, but he looked uncomfortable as anything. And the fact he's never brought it up or shows no inclination to ask if I'd like a handshake or a squeeze on the arm just makes me feel like I did around people ten years ago -- defective and not worth being considered human or cared for -- but now I'm paying for the privilege.

Do you think it's worth leaving therapy over this? I've considered changing therapists, but for all the above he's very good at what he does, he mostly understands me, and he's an exceptional listener. I had one therapist years ago who was good though not as good as him, but I never remember feeling this way with her. The three other therapists I've had were useless or didn't care about me.

And I don't know if changing would even help, because I'm from a country (and had past therapy) where people are more open emotionally.

Anyways, thanks for reading if you made it this far; would love to hear thoughts and suggestions. I'm starting to wonder if joining a club would be more helpful.