Hi. I really just can't anymore. I just started college and I'm already just done. I can't find any motivation anymore. When I try to focus on work, my mind goes other places and I end up not finishing or doing it so last minute, that I'm stressed out. I'm never able to prioritize things in my life. But college work makes me feel stupid- I start to just not care. I skipped classes a lot for the past 2 weeks because I just can't find the motivation to get up in the morning. I just feel this weight and fatigue. I hate it.
I can't look people in the eye. I can't speak to ppl without zoning out and thinking about how I look. I avoid going in my room because I'm scared of my roommate (even though shes super nice). I'm just awkward in general. I just don't know what to say to people, I freeze up. Then beat myself up for it, most of the time it is outloud. Me grunting or saying "why didn't I say ___, i hate myself, why can't I be normal, (insert curse word)". It happens every. single. day. It's embarrassing.
I'm just so freaking tired. Physically and mentally just so tired from this daily cycle. It's getting worse. I notice it. My friends notice it. I have so many things I want to do but everything holds me back. Volunteering, working at my school's fashion magazine, getting a job, actually balancing college and social life. But I just suck. I hate myself.