I do not see it as wrong to have those feelings.

We don't completely control our feelings, they come and go on their own. Wanting to sleep with him make complete sense considering that you shared so much with him and were living with him and how he made you feel. It makes sense to me that you would feel that way.

You chose not to act on those feelings, and in my opinion you chose well. I my mind you are worthy of respect and honor for having chosen well when sorely tempted to choose differently.

I've read over a number of the threads you started. I think that you are doing amazing things, I have total and complete respect for you as a mom. Where you are now is at an extremely challenging time for you and your husband. In addition, you yourself have endured enormous adversity in your life. Yet you carry on; you carry on. I admire you.

I have a few thoughts/questions/suggestions. It sounds like having human contact, and reducing the isolation, could be of great help to you. With regard to human contact, have you considered calling an anonymous telephone hotline? I used to be a listener on such a hotline. About 70% of our calls, I estimate, were from people who were extremely isolated for one reason or another. People would call us daily, and more than daily, just to have that time of human connection. It meant a great deal to them. What would you think of trying that? You can also speak to someone via chat.

You could google mental health hotline plus your state to find some local services. If you prefer to speak with someone outside of your state, you could do that instead.

There also are a number of chat/coffeehouse/game opportunities here on PC. Would any of those interest you as a way to connect with people here? For example, there is the Coffeehouse: https://forums.psychcentral.com/coffeehouse/. Also, you could go to the forums page, https://forums.psychcentral.com/, and scroll down to Distractions and/or Social Group Forums.

With regard to getting out of the house a bit, I can see that it could be rough to arrange given the ages of your children and the inappropriately negative attitude of your mother-in-law. I wonder if you could do the food shopping and an errand or two. Perhaps your husband could stay home with the baby for a few hours on Tuesday and you could take your oldest with you? Or on the other hand perhaps you could bring the baby and he stay home with your older children? Something along those lines might be a way to get some time out of the house. It doesn't sound like much, but it might make a difference for you.

You mentioned that you have seen a therapist and also mentioned a psychiatrist. Are you able to see a therapist regularly? How do you feel about your psychiatrist?

Hang in there! You are doing wonderful things in a very difficult situation.