Hello & Welcome, Icewavezero.
You are not alone.
Our thoughts both overlap and differ. You will find a variety of perspectives here.
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Originally Posted by icewavezero
I've lost that ability to focus on the positive.
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I've lost the ability to care whether or not positive exists. My primary experience of depression is emptiness.
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Originally Posted by icewavezero
I almost enjoy the idea that maybe someday I'd get hit by a bus.
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My fantasy doesn't involve a bus, but I can relate.
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Originally Posted by icewavezero
I also refuse the idea that everything is great if you just perceive it that way.
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Ditto. Positive affirmations have never worked for me.
Please make yourself at home.
__________________
My dog
mastered the "fetch" command. He would communicate he wanted something, and I would fetch it.