Journaling has its purposes, but I have to say the support system of these forums really add an element that is consoling in many ways. This post will serve much like a journal entry so please go into knowing that, I’m expressing still raw feelings and just wanted to reach out, even if it is virtual. – please understand I don’t proofread when I “journal”, it’s a stream of consciousness type thing, so forgive errors in spelling or fragmented sentences.

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Why does everything have to crash down on me all at once? God could this winter get any more awful? I woke up today feeling very uneasy and on the verge of crying -- no reason why, I am just really fragile today. My car had the "service engine soon" light come up yesterday. I can do a diagnostic and get a code to get an idea of the problem. If I did everything right, it's saying there is a gas leak. I don't know how costly that's gonna be -- not to mention I have to pay out $45 to see the psychiatrist this week AND pay for my meds ($20 if he keeps them the same).

Well, if today couldn't just feel terrible, it got terrible. I heard what I thought was our dog drinking water, but it kept going on... and I started to think "She can't be that thirsty". I go to the kitchen to see the floor is flooded with water. The ice maker went insane. Turning it off didn't help. I had to shut off the water. I'm scared to death to turn it back on. After using every towel I own and a blanket I got most of the standing water up. The floor is wet as if someone mopped, but it's not pooling. Turning off the water stopped the leak for now. I have a stress headache and feel like I'm going to pass out.

I am not a leader -- I freak out in situations like that. I called my mom just to figure out what to do. It should be common sense to just throw down towels and try to find the leak but I couldn't even think. I was thinking "There is no one here to fix this." I just want to cry. God I knew something like this would happen today, I just felt it coming. I don't know how much more of this stress I can take. I can't live like this with everything constantly breaking down or whatever.

Let's recap this last month.
1) I totaled my car -- and my insurance won't pay for it, so I'm stuck paying out for a new used car AND the payments for my old car. The loan company still doesn't know I totaled it. I'm scared to call and talk to them, I'm only making matters worse, but I can’t stomach telling anyone about it and I can't call. I just can't.

2) I was in jail and most likely will end up there again for the DUI. I 'm not sure I can afford an attorney and even though I don't think the breathalyzer worked correctly, I'm still scared it'll not exonerate me.

3) My new used car now has issues -- as expected, but not so soon.

4) My fridge has went insane and I can't even have the water turned on right now.

5) Oh, did I mention my marriage is in a bad place too?

6) Money is getting tighter since I won't be paid this time around.

7) It's getting cold outside, and the grey dull sky without sun is all I can look forward to for the next few months.


8) Let’s not forget the month of suspension from work ☹

So, in a nutshell -- I'm NOT doing OK. I know there isn't a thing in the world anyone else can do to make it go away -- and the things that can be "salvaged" I'm too coward to ask for help. I'm just in a bad place I guess.