That sounds gruelling.

Maybe try not to see this in terms of selfishness or selflessness.

It feels to me like the thing to focus on is that you are not being true to yourself.

You're pretending. You're regularly saying that things are fine when they're not. You're aggressively ignoring the warning signs your body and mind are sending you.

It's a very out of balance state for a psyche to be in.

Rebalancing can only start when you admit the truth.