I feel so overwhelmed. Crushed by an ambivalence -- I'm being pulled in one direction by self-assurance and systematization while being pulled in an opposite direction by apprehension or anxiety or doubt or low self-confidence

This past Wednesday I had a phone interview with an HR coordinator for a dream job. I think the interview went well. I emailed her later in the day to thank her and to reiterate my interest and qualifications. She replied, which I took for a good thing. She said that I could submit a portfolio tomorrow -- the day I'd said I would be able to get it to her. I sent it to her earlier today.

I have this 700 page textbook that I've been reviewing -- it's been a couple of years since I did any serious work in my field. I only have about 100 more pages to review. But then I have to take practice tests and prepare for a certification exam. I also have to review or rather teach myself a complex clinical data standard.

If the HR coordinator likes my portfolio she'll pass me along to the HR manager whereupon I'll have a phone interview with him. I have two to three weeks to be able to ace the subject of the certification exam, which I'm sure I can do since I've been reviewing for a month. But, I also have to build a working knowledge of the clinical data standard; at least such that I'm able to have an informed conversation regarding it.

I just feel like I have to be perfect. Opportunities like this happen so rarely for me. In fact, I can't think of a chance like this occurring for me in the past. And if I screw this up, I'm not sure when it'll happen for me again. I try to not let myself get too excited or hopeful. There's this decision fatigue or something similar that's tearing me apart. One rope is pulling me towards planning and studying/reviewing; one rope is pulling me towards safety, "don't get your hopes up," "you're going to fail"; one rope is pulling me towards give up, just stop. And if I'm not perfect, I'll fail.

I'm just so tired of things not working out for me.