I've been laying out on the futon in the living room, listening to the wind -- you know it's windy when you can actually HEAR it swirling around -- and I always get sad in bad weather for the people who don't have warm places to be.

I did a story on homelessness once, and I went to a free meal program at the cathedral (which, being downtown, sees a number of the down-and-out). I chatted with some of the workers, who were former homeless people, and then I sat at a table and talked with a guy who seemed willing to talk. He was filthy, and he stank, and he was all disheveled and his clothes had holes in them, and I forget what it was that I asked him, but he very proudly said -- "Hey, I'm not homeless. I have a tent!"

I feel bad for people like that when it rains real bad, or is super cold, or whatever. I guess I feel a little guilty for having a warm place (though maybe not if I can't pay my rent!, and I haven't paid my electric bill in eons, but they can't shut me off till April).

And I'm feeling sorry for myself because I had to explain the whole adoption mess to someone new last night (not a therapist), and I'm desperately missing my son, and it hurts like hell. For all the healing that's taken place over the past year or so since his mom found me, my heart might be in 5 billion pieces now instead of 10. I can't try to explain it without thinking of some be-otch (whom I no longer speak to) telling me I don't deserve to feel bad, so I'm not going to bother, but it aches.

I see my T tomorrow, thank god. I don't even know where to start with him. Too much is going on.

And I'm sad because I don't know if I can do this stupid job I accepted, because my boss handed me back a story today that she found holes you could drive a truck through in, and she's cool about that but I don't think these people will be. I think they expect a lot more out of me than I can actually do, frankly. I feel like a fraud. And I'm sad because I'm going to miss most of the folks where I am now. They've been very, very good to me and it will be hard to leave them behind and go into someplace new where I have to start all over again.

Maybe I just need a good cry. I wish that were easy for me. I guess my version is to go to bed, curl up with a bear and let myself feel bad. Here's hoping tomorrow is better.

Candy