My wife is as depressed as I am and also not getting any counseling, neither of us can afford it. She has been suffering on and off most of her life as well but our shared situation has made her even worse. Her children who cause me so much torment cause her so much sorrow, and heartbreak. She claims she could never get through our current situation without me, that I am her rock. Inside I am screaming to let go, I don't want to be the rock but I have to be or she will sink completely.
She has no idea the depth of sadness, that she has brought so much of it to me. She has no idea that I come here and spill my guts and emotions to complete strangers, she has no idea that I wish for death to take me and sometimes her. Sometimes I think I would be happy and no longer depressed if she were no longer a part of my life, but then I would be alone. I have no friends, and the thought of another woman wanting anything to do with me is unfathomable.
So I stay, to keep her from having no one to there for her to uplift her, to show her that someone cares about her without wanting something in return.
So I stay to not be completely alone, and yet feel so lonely.
Who will break first? Or will we?, can I find a way to happy with her again? Can I find the woman I moved half way across the country for? Can I find her irresistible again? Can she find a way to deal with what her children have become and put us first for a change?
Or will we just continue walking through the sludge, never moving forward and slowly sinking deeper?