I'm tired of that wasted life I used to have. All I did was smoke, drink and use pills constantly. All I wanted to do was numb myself so I wouldn't have to think about the sexual abuse when I was younger. I hid the habit for so long from people and I'd sneak out of the house at night. Nobody even knew about it and eventually I quit when I found out I had precancerous cells on my cervix.

It was stage 3 and very close to being stage 4. A few months later I got Kidney Stones and I was in so much pain I remember. Last year over the summer, I was so depressed and I felt about using drugs again. One day I saw my father's pills in the cabinet and started to use them again. My mother started counting the pills and spoke to me about it. Questioned me and knew I was abusing them because I opened up to her about my drug habits and how depressed I was because I hated feeling sad because I couldn't move on past the abuse. It was so hard for me to move on. Many times I tried to practice smiling in the mirror but it was hard.

Eventually I stopped and I'm so proud of myself for this. I'm tired of living that life. Now I know of people who abuse drugs and drink constantly and I don't talk to them so much anymore. It's such a hard battle but I truly am tired of abusing drugs. Since than I've been improving and talking to my Therapist about my abuse and telling her how I deeply feel. It took me a long time to get where I am at now and I've been meaning to write about this for awhile but I never did because I was ashamed of my behavior.