I’m sorry you’re having a tough time. It sounds like this situation is fanning the flames of your depression. I hear you, I care and I support you. I also sympathize. My 20 year marriage was fanning the flames and I had many of the same questions/thoughts that you are having. It’s a difficult position to be in.

Please keep posting. I’m sorry therapy is not an option. You could really benefit from having somebody to process this with or for couples therapy for both of you. I hope you come to a decision that brings you peace and healing.