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Originally Posted by CrayCentral
Thanks for taking your time in replying with some awesome advice.
I haven’t done enough therapy to have a better understanding on further diagnoses, so I had to google define ‘Trichotillomania’ and didn’t realise it could become so damaging. I definitely feel I’ve got far greater paranoid thinking than usual, which relates me to generalised anxiety and a lot of prolonged psychotic thinking. It’s gotten to the point where the root causes in what I’m aware of logically becomes consciously incomprehensible until I’m further unable to cope with the levels of stress and my mind shuts off in defence.
What worries me on just how detached I’ve become through all this is almost feeling a sense of peace and comfort dwelling within the darkness. I wouldn’t say my general perspective of what’s right and wrong is unintelligent when thinking logically, but the exhaustion from constantly running on empty too easily finds comfort within the gradual influence to act on behalf of these narcissistic tendencies.
It’s as if I’m subconsciously letting go of the connections I believe I’m trying to form with new people and that I’m constantly testing my friends and family to see whether they’re worthy of remaining in my life.
In my head I’ve turned the tables into overcoming these feelings of abandonment, yet maybe feeling ‘for the most part’ real pain and suffering instead of selfish anger I’d at least feel more alive and obliged to become the change I used to wish to see in the world, or maybe even just enough inspiration to see if curiosity can even kill this cat.
Anyways, I’m clearly just venting now.. It just sucks knowing that if I were mentally healthy and died yesterday I’d Rest In Peace with a big smile on my face knowing that my life and experiences would have all been worth ending it all then and there. Now under social standards I’m expected to be ‘Tick Tock The Clocks’ new employee where my jobs exhausting and I can’t wait to retire.
How do I win this one?
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Can't blame you for looking up Trichotillomania. Back when I first started to show symptoms doctors didn't even really know what it was. They didn't know what was up with me and none of us could figure out why I kept plucking my hair. Until one day on Montell Williams they had some other people who did the same thing and they gave the name. My Mom yelled for me to come and look at the tv. I have heard that name since. It as well as the other mental illnesses was triggered by trauma.
Having any mental illness is tough. It is very easy to get into the why me mode and distance yourself from others. You always feel like they don't get it or understand and in some cases they really don't. I have had people say to me even about my trich," Why don't you just stop?" Like seriously...I never thought of that. It isn't how it works." Even with the BPD I have heard my fair share of comments that I just thought were bluntly stupid. Even the whole,"Oh they are just made up illnesses. It is in your head." Gotta love hearing that. It is very easy to pull away from people. The goal is to be around people who promote a positive environment. Is easy when you are feeling bad to draw towards others who feel just as bad as you but sadly that never helps anything. You need people who are uplifting who you feel good around. Also behavioral therapy is suppose to be really good as well. It helps with coping with things. Sadly I have been waiting for a long time to even get into seeing someone so I can't say how it all works. I know from what I have read it is all suppose to go hand in hand. Just medicine alone doesn't work. You need to have the therapy as well.
Just try to take things day by day. It is a lot to process and can easily overwhelm you. At the end of the day you are still you. You can be happy. You just gotta find what that means to you.