Because of my husband's terrible schedule I can't see my therapist for a month. I really need to see her. I go to group every Thursday but I can't talk about what I want to talk about in there. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I feel like one day it won't be enough to keep me here anymore. I can feel it slipping. I told my husband this but he kind of just brushed it off. I opened the bottle and counted them this time. Just one. I have 4 or 5 bottles. I can't throw them away. It won't let me. It's just getting stronger. But I can't be admitted. Same reason I can't see my T for a month. Because there is no one to watch my kids. I have 4 kids. If it wasn't for them I would have left this world a long time ago. But sometimes it tells me that they would be better off. All the thoughts it puts in my head. Horrible thoughts, more like mini movies. Short movies that seem real, like I'm in them and at the times of their showing the real world is gone. The movies become reality for a few minutes. I hurt people in the movies and myself and my family. I don't want to. I don't mind me hurting but everyone else, I don't want to. I'm so lost right now. I don't know who I am. I don't feel like anyone, like a person. I don't know what I want to do ever. Who am I supposed to be? What am I supposed to do? Why am I even here? I just always mess up everything and hurt people close to me.