If the meds work, I'd go back on them and work with a therapist on staying on them and answering your questions that are resulting in your conflicting behavior?

The best thing I've heard about depression is that it is never 100% of us and even if we're born with 99% there is still that 1% that gets to choose to be something else. (from PBS-TV series, Discovering Psychology). Usually though, as as been pointed out, it's more like 52/48 or something rather than 99/1. There's still a whole lot of us that can be and do if we choose. A book that helps me with that is Learned Optimism, http://www.shearonforschools.com/learned_optimism.htm