Hi everyone, I've been struggling with a bunch of questions and am looking for advice.
I am 19 F and have no diagnoses from anyone, ever.

My boyfriend telling me that I seem like I’m “dissociating” (mind you, he’s a 22 year old boy with no college degree, but he’s also the only person who actually gives me quality attention) which doesn’t seem entirely wrong, but also I don’t know what to do about it. Things don’t change shape/size like they used to when I had panic attacks over the summer and I don’t lose time and such but I sort of feel like most of the time I’m like, living in this sort of lofty space above the top of my skull? I daydream pretty much constantly, even when I’m having a conversation I’m sort of off in another world at the same time. I have a lot of imaginary conversations -- I don’t hear voices or anything, it’s just me, but I also like to talk out loud and when I’m in public I frequently end up gesturing/emoting outward without meaning to. It’s making my relationship difficult because I feel like a lot of the time when I should be experiencing him I’m just daydreaming. Especially because the person I talk to when I daydream is someone I was in love with before I met my current man (he doesn’t know this).
Sometimes I feel like I’m being pulled forward from this lofty part of my brain to the front part of my brain, it sort of feels like blood is being rushed to the front and my brain gets all tingly. When this happens I tend to feel clearer. I don’t know what this is. Is this grounding? Is it just mindfulness and I’m over exaggerating? Is it a “switch” that I just don’t know is a switch?

So I guess I want to know… is this dissociation? Am I just being an a##hole right now posting here? I don’t think I have DID because I don’t think I lose chunks of time, but at the same time, I’m never totally present.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I want to be more present, but also, living hurts. I don’t want to talk to a therapist because it’s so much easier to pretend like everything is fine, and I know I’m in a lot of pain and I’m totally terrified under my flaking shield but I don’t want to deal with it. Last time I went to a therapist (4 appts this summer when i had derealization panic attacks) I just turned into an asshole narcissist and decided I knew more than her and was better than her and cancelled all my appointments and never went back…

Thank you all so much.