T2 today: He came out to retrieve me, but said he had to get some tea first (there's a cart thing with tea in waiting area). Went back and sat down. I thanked him for fitting me in a day early. He said it wasn't a problem. How he usually has space in his schedule to fit people in because he only sees about 25 clients over 6 days in a week. That he does other independent work like writing, so can generally find space at the last minute. So that was good to know.

He said we'd missed last week because he'd been away and asked what I wanted to talk about. I pulled out my long list on the back of a 4"x6" index card. Which led to a discussion on handwriting and signatures. He said I probably didn't want to talk about handwriting. I shifted to another topic briefly, then ended up back on that. He said, "We're back on handwriting again!"

I said how it felt like lately I'd been falling into a depression. Just feeling bad about myself lately. How maybe some of it was from stuff with MC, stuff with H. Just having negative thoughts.

I said I hadn't told him about this last session, but a few days before that, I'd had, connected to some of the MC stuff,
He said I'd mentioned how I thought the depression was related to MC and H. I said some of the MC stuff was better now, but that may have triggered it a bit, like his being judgmental and being reluctant to apologize. But there was definitely some stuff with H lately.

I talked about some stuff with my researching treatments that could help D (she's on autism spectrum), how H tends not to be into some of that. Won't go into full discussion here (I still feel slightly awkward talking about it because T2's son is on the spectrum, but tried to push that into the back of my mind). But T2 had a couple good insights. How there are some people who just trust the more traditional doctors on that, how there are really only a couple treatment options, and to go with one of them. And there are others who want to research anything that could possibly help their kid, within reason. He said there's not just the one extreme or the other. I said, "So, a spectrum, I guess?" He agreed. How H might be closer to one end and me to the other.

He also said that for people more like me, it's like we feel that we're not doing enough, how there's probably something out there that we can try. While for people on the other end, if they just go with more traditional treatment, then they don't feel guilty for not continuing to research and look for that one thing that can help. That seemed to resonate with me. I said I also tend to be the sort to research everything, while H isn't. I thought that could be a personality thing, or maybe a coping mechanism. T2 said he thought more the latter, that we deal with things in different ways.

I think I talked some more about just not feeling like H and I were connecting as we should. That maybe that's part of why we drank so much together? (I was crying at this point.) How maybe MC was onto something with that.

I don't remember how it shifted to this...I think something with H pushing away feelings? Yes, that was it. I ended up talking about cheating on H nearly 2 years ago (one-night stand thing). And briefly told T2 the story of that (while feeling rather awkward because, I mean, I was talking about hooking up with a guy). Aftermath of that, how H fairly quickly forgave me, but I struggled with forgiving myself. How I worried that H would throw it back on me at some point. T2 asked if H was that type of person, and I said not really. I said how I'd worried I'd gotten HIV from it, because there wasn't any other consequence. T2: I don't think karma works quite that directly.

I said how at the time, I'd wondered if the cheating had been a way to try to blow up my relationship, because I wasn't happy. That there had been other stuff before, like a sort of emotional affair with a guy in grad school, but H hadn't been as bothered by that. But to me, I'd be more bothered by something emotional than a one-night physical thing (not that I was trying to justify it!). T2 said he agreed, how that could have just been what can happen when you're drinking and connect with certain urges, while the other seems a bigger deal. (Which surprised me because, not to stereotype, but I thought women tended to be more bothered by emotional affairs, men by physical.)

Talked about how things were with H and I. I said how I often felt like something was missing from relationship. But then we'd been together 12 years, and before this, longest relationship had been year and a half. That I didn't know how it was supposed to feel. "I mean, I don't expect butterflies or anything." T2 gave an odd look and said, "I've never heard it called that before." Me: "really???" T2: I guess you mean kind of a honeymoon period. I said yes, how I knew much of that just came from hormones. He said yes, and also, once you've been with someone a long time, you know most everything about them, who their first-grade teacher was, what their first kiss was like. So there aren't many surprises. How if your partner is naked in front of you, you don't even register it anymore. I said, "Yeah, exactly."

A couple times during the sexual talk, I was like, "I don't know why I'm bringing this up now. It wasn't even on my list of stuff to talk about!" At one point, T2 asked if I meant, why was I crying about it? I said that it obviously meant it was something affecting me. Another time, he said, "It's your session--you can talk about whatever you want." I said, "Yes, but I probably shouldn't just talk about, say, my victories in Fantasy Football." He said, "Fantasy what?" I said, "Fantasy Football. I moved up to fifth place this week!" He smiled and said, "You're a trip!" I said (smiling), "I'm glad I amuse you!"

Back to main topic: He said that everyone has thoughts about getting that excitement back, feeling that again with someone. But that lots of people, if they decide they're going to remain monogamous, just suppress those thoughts, push them away. I said yeah, that I felt especially bad about what had happened because things hadn't been great with H physically. T2 said how there are lots of components to satisfaction in a relationship, but that physical intimacy was the highest percentage, at 15-20% (not sure where he got that number from, but I know he does do marriage counseling). I said, "Oh really? Huh..." And how I'd brought things up before with H that we weren't intimate often (because of me), but he said it was OK. But I didn't know if it really *was* OK. That we'd brought it up in marriage counseling before, but he just kept saying it was OK. T2 said it could be that H felt that, or that he didn't want to open up the Pandora's box that was how he really felt.

T2 said maybe I could approach it in marriage counseling like: "T2 said that physical intimacy is a big part of a relationship. How do you think our physical intimacy or lack thereof is affecting our relationship?" I said that could be a good way to put it.
I knew we had to stop then, but kept rambling a few minutes about the topic, including about how I thought maybe part of my avoiding sex was putting up a wall, fearing intimacy. He said it could be.

We scheduled for next week (day before Thanksgiving). I walked over to pay him and handed him my card. Immediately after, he was looking at his hand with a pained expression. I said, "Oh, did I scratch you with the card?" He said, "No, the pen I was playing with in session, I apparently wrote all over myself with it." I said, "Ah, like my daughter with paints! Though they're washable at least." T2: "Pretty sure this pen isn't washable!" (Said pen had also shot onto the floor during session at one point!)

He wished me a good week, held out his hand, and I shook it. He said, "Stay warm and dry!" (It's cold and looked like rain). I said 'You too," then headed out.