Though I am no longer delusional or whatever tf was going on two weeks ago, I am still in the grips of a moderate to severe depression. I still can’t work. I’m sleeping as much as possible and smoking way too much. I’m comfort eating, but that’s only because zyprexa and depakote increase my appetite. Otherwise I wouldn’t be eating much. I’m functioning better than before IP but still can only work on small goals. I’ve withdrawn from my grad school class and probably won’t register for next semester and just let my certificate expire.

I was at php today and one group was “IMR Recovery strategies” (not sure what imr means). The group leader said it was about coming up wth a plan to avoid the hospital and how you can stay well without needing IP. I felt like SUCH a failure. I tried everything, everything I could think of to stay home. I did DBT skills, I asked my t and my family for extra help, everything. But it wasn’t enough. I feel so damn powerless over my episodes. I keep thinking there must be a way, there must be something I’m not doing right, something to keep this from happening over and over and over again. But I can’t think of anything.

My therapist at php wants me to do DBT again. For some reason every professional thinks this is a cure all. I’ve done A full DBT course...ended up delusional/manic, stitches, hospital. Since then I’ve done the partial I’m in now like five times and they do an hour of DBT three times a week, DBT light I guess you would call it. I use the distress tolerance skills fairly often but can’t wrap my mind around some of the rest of it. They all seem to think it will cure me though. I’m not doing DBT again. I need someplace I can talk and process, DBT doesn’t do that.

But I do wish I could figure out how to control my episodes. I’m so tired of hospital and ECT. I just want to cry right now because I see no other option and I can’t do this for another thirty to fifty years, I just can’t. I don’t want to live like this. Once my son has his own family I might just go gently into that good night...

I know about food sleep hygiene, healthy eating, exercise, etcetera. None of it seems to work to prevent and/or lessen an episode. Seems I can only wait for it to pass. And Things deteriorate so quickly, within days.

I don’t know really what I’m trying to say sorry.