Its been quite a while since i've posted here on PC..but I have a lot on my mind atm and feel the need......

I've now been seeing my T for over 6 months...each month is a dramatic change........therapy has been tough....aside from the reasons I'm in therapy...therapy has also created situations.....im unsure if I should say their problems. My T is 45ish...very attractive...and definitly doesnt look 45......if she hadnt told me I'd have guessed 33-35.........

Her attractiveness makes a problem for me.....I'm 17...and with rageing hormones this can be confusing......bluntly and "sadly"? I have sexual thoughts about her...they seem to increase as time continues....

The more so difficult problem is the possibility of her "going". So many times espcially as of late...I get in my head that she is going to fire me...leave or just go away in some form......this has made a more so difficult crises then the erotic transference........many times over the course of the last 3 months I h ave franticly called her office crying...or e-mailing her thinking she is "going" where I have no clue...with this going affect I think she also hates me....its like a odd panic attack directed at therapy......

She says she cannot figure out why i think these things...and that she isnt going.....

Before I continue..I have a couple questions:.....1.am I odd for having sexual attractions to someone MUCH older then me?

and 2....how do i convince myself she isnt "going" anywhere and she doesnt hate me?

I believe my therapist feels she is doing no good...and I'm the leader of this...she continues to make suggestions...and offer help...I on the other hand can barely do these things...tho I try so hard in my head to force them into the light....

This is one reason I think she'll fire me........while I am not doing certain activities and reacting to suggestions..she IS helping me........before I began seeing her...i had NO hope...little interest in therapy...and I was almost rdy to give up....

then She came....

I recently took a IQ test for a rehab program to help me with college when I start this fall....She gave it to me...it was yesterday evening...and was 2 hours long...in those 2 hours....many things crossed me mind....

1. I starred at her alot...making my sexual attraction to her even more so confusing....

2. I felt dumb when unable to answer questions.....but also safe knowing she was giving the test...

3. I was very depressed about being in her office but unable to vent...after all thats what I'm a custom tooo...

4.. Lastely she talked to my mother on the phone asking some questions....my mom then asked "how is he doing"....in turn my mother told her she saw no difference....which scared me....i thought "what if T leaves me because she thinks she's doing me no good?"......

Well thats it for now....plz reply if you can...i need some warm hugs