@AlisaLight;
I will get straight to the point. I apologize in advance if this is not what you want to hear but I trust that it is my responsibility to tell what I think is the most beneficial to you despite how painful it might be perceived. You said that you “desperately need help”.
With that being said, If he wants to be with you -frankly, I am not convinced that he does- he will find a way to be in your life. If that in fact happens and you two end up together, please be prepared to have a life built on egg shells as these episodes will likely to repeat themselves. Please consider having a very strong support system and find ways to take extra care of your overall health. You have to be very strong minded to handle this much intensity.
In addition, having read your posts, I cannot help but wonder why you have such low expectations of love and a relationship. You don’t see him, you two don’t spend time together, there does not seem to be any effort to see each other.
In any event, good luck.