I've been watching videos about the symptoms of being the daughter of a narcissistic father, and I'm getting SO angry because EVERY SINGLE point is true. I was never loved unconditionally. He never knew how to show me love. He only pretended to validate me sometimes when I did really cool, impressive things, like play the piano by ear. He only showed me kindness when he could brag about me. I was HEAVILY criticized for EVERYTHING all my life. Nothing I ever did was good enough. I always made bad, unforgivable mistakes. I was worthless and ignored. All that ever mattered in life was him, his thoughts, his feelings and his needs. Mine were unacknowledged. I frequently fought with him as a teenager. I tried to stand up to his constant criticisms of the entire family for everything we did "wrong" for him (which was everything).

However, it was scary to stand up to him too much, because he could be very frightening, intimidating, loud and angry. He would cuss you out with the most abusive venom in his voice if you challenged him on anything. He threatened to get violent at the flick of a switch. One time I was in the bathroom with the door closed, having a hard time dealing with my own anger, and I stomped my feet on the floor and hit my knees a bit in rage, and then I heard an incredibly loud crash against the door, and he screamed at me to cut it out. He had punched a hole in the door. I cried immediately because it was so scary. He tried to apologize and assure me that he wasn't going to hurt me.

After an incredibly traumatizing, bitter divorce in which my mom also put us kids directly in the middle during fights, as objects to possess to shield her from loneliness and rejection, I saw him less and less. He's tried to apologize and convince me that he can change and we can get along better as adults, but in truth, he really can't change. He's still a highly volatile, controlling person, who only wants to do what HE wants, HIS way, and wants to hurry through stressful trips and vacations as quickly as possible, with no time to rest. It's still scary to even think of talking back to him in any way, or disagree with him. I basically have no contact with him anymore, either through text or in person, but the lasting trauma and damaged self-image still remains.

I'm starting to realize that my mom is equally abusive in her own ways. She was highly codependent in our family, and was basically a slave to my dad. She was very fearful and over-protective of us kids, and wouldn't let go of us, so we never really learned how to be confident, self-sufficient people. My sister and I still live with her, and we're in our mid-to-late 20s. We can't leave. She guilt trips us if we even TRY to move out, telling us we're "abandoning" her and "betraying" her. It's hard for her to find a new man in her life after my dad, so she's made it very clear that if we leave her, she'll be alone and won't be able to handle it. That's a lot of pressure on us to keep living with her, forever.

Clearly, both my parents have failed horrifically at teaching me love and self esteem. I'm still resentful about my past. I've learned that I'm only worth anything to anyone if I do lots of incredible, impressive things to gain attention and praise, and EVEN THEN I'm still not good enough. I'm never good enough. If I'm not perfect, then I don't deserve to live. If I make a single mistake, then it's too painful to bear and I want to kill myself. My worth as a human being lies in my outer accomplishments, which is why I feel so bad about still having no career or life of my own, in spite of all my wildest dreams as a child. They're getting more and more out of reach. I was supposed to be a child prodigy. I was supposed to be world famous, by 20. I was supposed to change the world and be loved by everyone. Now I still live with my mom, and have achieved NONE of the dreams I wanted to achieve as a child.

I feel like it's going to be very hard to love myself, regardless of my outer accomplishments, or lack therof. Let alone attract healthy relationships with guys who are capable of loving me, without needing me to be perfect and successful in every way. Without needing me to focus entirely on their needs and not mine, and lose myself in the process.

I was also bullied as a child all through school, only adding to the problems I have. I grew up in Utah, and our family was atheist, AND moved to a new town every single year, so I was always the new kid who was shy and slowly gained quiet friends, but once they learned I wasn't a part of their "ward", they would silently abandon me, and I would be mysteriously friendless and alone again. That was even worse than the bullying. People who claim to be your friends and then leave you without telling you why, as a constant reality. I don't trust anybody anymore. I hate people. I'm trying to get over it, but I still don't have any close friends, just acquaintances. Most people seem to have no interest in getting to know me better. Albeit, maybe I have a resting ***** face and look like I don't want to get to know anybody else. I'm so lonely. I wish I could learn and experience what unconditional love feels like. REAL love. Not just positive, fake small talk at social events.

Only my cat loves me unconditionally.