I don't know how to cope with the fact that I lost him because of myself, in spite of trying my best.

He is gone forever, because of me, even though I was working my hardest to make it a healthy, normal relationship. He was the best thing that ever happened to me. He understood, or at least tried to understand, when nobody else would. He authentically loved me when nobody could. He tried not to be scared of me when everyone else was terrified and called me crazy. I have never been so grateful for and preserving of anything, ever before, in my life - but it died anyway. It doesn't matter how hard I worked or how much faith I had in it, it died anyway.

He left, because he wanted to leave, because of me. Because he had become scared too - and tired. He couldn't deal with it either and it destroyed him. None of my hard work made any difference and there is nothing I can do. I've never felt so powerless and like a mistake of nature in all my life of making mistakes.

He was my best friend, he was my family to me, he was my future, he was my security, he was my home. He was the only place I have ever felt like I belonged and for a while, he felt the same but I destroyed all of it. Even though I was trying my very best not to destroy it because it is all so precious to me, it destroyed it anyway.

I sleep all day, except for when I'm eating or crying or trying to make sense of how it happened. I feel exhausted. I have no energy to wash or get dresses or look myself in the mirror - nevermind work or play games or try to make new friends. But I need to start making new friends soon because I'm alone now and I'm starting to get lonely. But I'm too tired and others aren't like him; they can't replace him. He's gone and there's nothing I can do to change that. I'm so tired and everything hurts. My chest constantly, physically hurts and I am permanently nauseous. If I meet someone new they'll just leave too, or I'll resent them for not being him. I'm exhausted.